Studying the Male Anxiety Trap

Let me begin by asking a simple question, what if the very behaviors a male uses to protect himself from anxiety are the same behaviors that keep him trapped in it?  You see, for males, anxiety does not announce itself with the words like, "I'm afraid", or "I'm feeling overwhelmed".  Instead, it may disguise itself as irritability, excessive work, impatience, emotional distancing or even an overwhelming need to stay in control.

A man can be successful in his career, dependable in his responsibilities, respected by his colleagues, and deeply committed to his family, yet in his own private world, he experiences an internal battle that he cannot quite put into words.  In fact, he may not even recognize it as anxiety.  This is where we find the trap.

There is a pressure that is built up from childhood to be strong.  That underlying expectation of strength can become a burden.  It starts from those messages of stop showing weakness, be tough, don't cry, handle your problems and finally, protect others.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with having strength, courage, independence and responsibility, it can lead a man to believe that being strong is in fact refraining from all vulnerabilities.  These admirable qualities of strength and independence can create conflict between what he is genuinely feeling and what he believes he is permitted to express.

In the brain, there is a constant evaluation for potential threats.  Some of those threats are not physical.  They can include the fear of failure, embarrassment, rejection, inadequacy or disappointing someone.  And when a man's identity is too closely connected with always being capable, the presentation of an ordinary setback can feel as though it is a threat to his value and sense of worth.  He may start to measure himself by the metrics of his successful performances instead of who he is.

This chain of events can often look like anger (with anxiety hiding behind it).  Anxiety is often associated with excessive worrying, nervousness or fear.  However, anxiety can also contribute to defensiveness, frustration and irritability.  To understand this, let's look at the internal workings of the brain.

Starting with the amygdala, it participates in detecting emotionally significant information, like threats.  As a situation feels threatening, both the brain and the body can activate a stress response.  Things like a quickened heart rate, tightened muscles, narrowed attention show that the body is preparing to respond.

The prefrontal cortex is the logic center and supports the evaluation of situations.  It regulates emotional reactions and allows the consideration of consequences.  With heightened stress, these regulatory processes can become less effective.

A man that is already carrying a significant amount of pressure may react rather sharply to a relatively minor infraction or frustration.  It is not necessarily because that situation is particularly serious, but rather because his stress system is already alarmed and highly activated.  The anger is visible while his underlying fear remains hidden.

Many factors could cause this, such as the fear he has of losing control, disappointing his spouse, failing financially or being viewed as inadequate.  Anger is not always the result of anxiety (and of course, anxiety never excuses harmful behavior).  The recognition of what lies beneath that emotional reaction can create the opportunity for change.

For some men, accomplishment is the determinant of their worth and it becomes more than a goal.  The role of providing for the family, advancing in the professional realm, solving problems and maintaining financial security can often become tied closely to their identity.

Herein lies the problem: when achievement is no longer the man's pursuit, but rather something he believes he must continually demonstrate in order to be considered acceptable.  There is an understanding among psychologists that perfectionism, fear of negative evaluation and harsh and rigid personal expectations can contribute to anxiety.

The conditioned beliefs can operate through conditional beliefs like 'If I make a mistake, I am inadequate' or 'If I succeed, I am valuable' or 'If I fail to solve this problem, I am failing'.  The amygdala, or threat detection center, can learn to associate uncertainty with danger, despite no immediate physical threats existing.

In response to this dilemma, a man may work harder, go to excessive lengths to plan or attempt to take control of every outcome in order to relieve that discomfort.  Although these aforementioned behaviors may temporarily lower their anxiety, they can also reinforce the belief that any uncertainty must be eliminated.  The outcome?  A man that accomplishes more but enjoyment is lower.

This can bring on the cycle of silence where the avoidance actually keeps that anxiety alive.  It is a deception, but the idea is that those strategies designed to escape anxiety can sometimes strengthen its hold.

Let's take an example of a man who is troubled by a recent, difficult conversation with his wife.  He anticipates conflict and his body tenses while his thoughts race.  Instead of addressing the issue, he withdraws and immediately feels that relief.  The brain recognizes and registers that relief and thus, makes avoidance more appealing the next time a similar situation arises.

This is referred to as negative reinforcement.  It is the removal of an uncomfortable experience which increases the likelihood of repeating that same behavior which produced the relief.

As time progresses, the man may become increasingly uncomfortable with challenging conversations, emotional vulnerability or those situations he cannot control.  He is not necessarily choosing to remain in a state of anxiousness.  Instead, he may simply be repeating that strategy that came in handy and previously allowed him to feel safe.

What initially felt like protection will gradually become confinement.  Those difficult conversations remain in a state of unresolve.  There is an increase in emotional distancing and the anxiety finds itself back again.

Despite this chain of events, there is hope.  The encouraging reality is that amazing brain is capable of change.  It is called neuroplasticity.  It is the ability of the nervous system to adapt through experience and learning.  Those established patterns of thinking and responding that have developed over the years are not necessarily permanent.

At the time that the man starts recognizing his emotional reactions, questioning those rigid beliefs, practicing emotional regulation and gradually facing those situations he once avoided, he establishes opportunities for new learning.  Instead of that quick reaction with anger, he can practice identifying what he is feeling.  Instead of avoiding that difficult conversation, he can thoughtfully approach it.  And instead of measuring his value solely through achievement, he can start recognizing value that extends beyond performance.

While these changes might appear minimal, it is through the repeated experiences that weakening those unhelpful learned responses fall away and healthier pathways are strengthened.  Breaking the trap is not defined as a man who never experiences anxiety.  Instead, it means becoming a man who no longer allows anxiety to determine every response.

DISCLAIMER:  This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, mental health diagnosis, or clinical treatment.  The information provided is not a substitute for evaluation or treatment by a licensed healthcare or mental health professional.  Agape Counseling Online provides faith-based, nonclinical pastoral counseling and does not represent itself as a licensed clinical mental health provider.  Individuals experiencing persistent or severe emotional or psychological distress are encouraged to seek appropriate professional care.  Reading this article does not establish a counselor-client relationship.

Studying the Female Anxiety Trap

It is no surprise that the teenage years can hold a great amount of stress and heaviness.  Starting with a candid look at the teenage girl, much of her stress can come from the constant reminder that she is being evaluated in everything: her appearance, clothing style, relationship potentials, grades, friendships, future, and even things like whether or not she was invited to a get together or whether someone posted about her in a negative way.

Whether a parent, fellow friend, or others can understand, what may seem insignificant to the rest of the world, it can feel enormous to the teenager that is being judged.  And that is when anxiety enters her mind.  It may start with something minimal such as entertaining a "What if...?" thought.  Questions like, 'What if others don't accept me?' or 'What if I embarrass myself?' and many other creations that become looped in the mind as a ruminating thought.

Before long, those questions have turned into the creation of ten additional "What if?" questions.  The litany of questions and anxiety may feel like the enemy, but it is the job of the Amygdala, in the brain, to step up and be the watchtower looking out for potential dangers.  

When the alarm is activated several results take place from that signal.  The stomach often tenses, heart races, the chest may feel tighter and your thoughts go off-leash and start producing a barrage of negative thoughts.  The brain is trying to warn that something may be wrong so take note and be aware.

Those thoughts that accompany actual dangers need this alarm system.  The difficulty is that there are system malfunctions where the alarm activation results from the possibility as though it was definite and not potential.

A thought like, "What if I was stood up?" can turn into "I was stood up."  The first statement is a fear and the second is a conclusion.  It is essential that the variance of those two are well understood as that application in real time can be powerful.

Going back to that initial fear and assessing it differently can be a great start.  Ask what is actually known because in the space of texting a friend, for example, an hour passing with no response, anxiety will fill in that empty space with assumptions like the friend is mad at you.  Something was said that she took negatively.  She is ignoring me and probably everyone is together having a great time without you.  But, in this space of time, instead of using it to go into the worst case scenario, consider instead what is actually known.

The world tends to call those who look at the positive as being too optimistic, but what if everything else is forming a current storyline created in your mind in order to explain what is not known?  What if the person is sleeping, or working, forgot, her phone's battery is dead?  Possibly something truly is bothering this friend, but the reality is, this is not certain information.  

Begin by asking what the facts are and what is being added to the facts.  This one simple question can interrupt an enormous amount of anxiety.  While the feelings being felt are real, they lack the ability to be foolproof and are often predictions.

If you feel that you have been rejected, that feeling is indeed real.  That does not necessarily mean that you have been rejected.

If you feel embarrassed, that does not mean that everyone is focusing on your mistake.

If you feel as though you cannot handle something, that does not mean you are not capable of handling it.

While a feeling deserves a moment to be acknowledged, it does not deserve the right to navigate and make the decision.  

Sometimes the tendency to compare your life to others is a dangerous action.  The possibility exists that you might be comparing your actual life with the presentation of someone else's life.  For instance, you see the social media posting of a picture.  You do not see the aggravation that happened before that picture.  You see the beautiful picture of the vacation, but you do not see the loneliness.  You see that selfie and think wow!  You do not see the umpteen different pictures that did not make the cut.  You see the accomplishment but not the fear that she would not make it or the times she gave up or wanted to quit.

Take the brief pause and step back ensuring you are in the right mind space first before checking the possible storyline and determine what is known.  Look beyond the presentation and give the right information.  Put your phone down and break away from the temptations to compare and allow imagination full reign over your thoughts.  Give yourself that break and permit the disconnect with the chaos.  Take a walk outside and capture what you see, feel, hear and can touch to reorient yourself.

Anxiety gains strength when everything stays locked up inside your head.  Find a reputable person to talk to such as a mentor, parent, trusted adult, counselor.  And when anxiety's alarm bells go off, pause and breathe.  Feel your lungs expanding, hold it there and release it slowly.  Then ask yourself what actually happened?  What am I fearing might happen?  What part of this is within my control?  What part do I need to let go?  What is one solid healthy thing that I can do next?

Your future is forming a little at a time.  You can take it one step at a time and sometimes moment by moment.  The courage to address this and take the steps is one step in the right direction.  Keep pressing forward.  You've got this!

Closing the Gap on Neuroplasticity

Take a pause and imagine walking through a field of tall grass.  Let's correlate it to navigating through anxiety and racing thoughts.  From that first initial time of walking across that field, it is going to be more challenging.  After all, you are pushing grass aside carefully and choosing where you step and also assessing your directionality with focus and intention.

But then you walk this same path again and again, and while this process happens on repeat, you realize, eventually, that something happens.  That same challenging grass begins to lie down.  The view that was once covered in tall grass has now become much easier to see.  And before long, you do not have to spend much time thinking about where you are going.  It all comes down to the formation of a newly created path. 

That image was used to represent anxiety and how various thoughts and responses can become so familiar that we find ourselves traveling down the same mental path.  Each path is akin to a neural "path" in the brain.  We will have our default "paths" that get traveled first, and we tend to choose that "path" on autopilot, without thinking.

Here's the neat part: there is actually a reason your brain is capable of developing familiar patterns.  Additionally, there is also a reason those patterns can change.  You do not have to stay stuck in the same cycle.

How is this possible? It is a process called Neuroplasticity.  It entails your brain's ability to change and adapt in response to experience, learning and repeated activity.

The brain is a phenomenal party of your body.  Unlike some other areas, it does not become permanently fixed once you reach adulthood.  Instead, throughout your life, the brain can continue changing how its network functions and connects.  For instance, when we acquire a new skill, practice a skill, develop a habit or respond to situations with repeated activity, we are utilizing that ever-changing brain. 

One way to explain this is is with learning to drive.  In those early days of learning, you likely thought about everything with a mental checklist: check the mirror, foot is on the brake, put car in drive, check the rearview mirror, slowly start moving, watch your speed, stay in the lane and so forth.  It required enormous concentration.

Today, you may drive several miles before realizing you are barely, consciously thinking about any of those individual actions.  What changed?  The task of driving (which initially felt overwhelming) became secondary through repetition and learning.  What we practice repeatedly can become easier for our brains to do.

Let's turn the page to consider the process when anxiety happens.  Almost immediately you think something bad is going to happen.  Your body reacts by your heart beating faster, you start imagining possibilities, you seek reassurance, possibly you avoid the situation and eventually, the anxiety subsides.  But then, you undergo another stressful situation moments later, and that same pattern repeats.  That pathway becomes very familiar.

When this happens, your first small step is to simply notice it.  Tell yourself, 'I'm starting down that path again'.  Now, you pause, going a different direction that habit suggests. [09/28/26 Blog, I suggest investigating what's real?] Is this something happening or something that I am predicting?

Creating change is not about preventing yourself from stepping onto the old path once again.  Rather, it is about continuing to practice the new path.  This becomes important because sometimes discouragement sets in when an anxious thought return.  The individual experiencing the anxiety might feel as though nothing has changed.

The pace at which you travel down these new mental pathways can also take time.  Perhaps today's new pathway is to simply stay five minutes longer, instead of your normal pursuit of immediately reacting.  Try a even a ten second pause, nothing dramatic, but just a few small steps through that tall metaphorical grass.

Your brain is still learning.  It has an established past experiences and practiced pathways.  Those pathways do not have to necessarily offer the final word.  In fact, it is learning.  Allow your brain the opportunity to learn from what you repeatedly experience and practice.

Give yourself grace even when that old path becomes visible.  The change is not simple and transformative overnight.  Instead, when you recognize yourself heading toward that old familiar trail, pause intentionally and with enough time to ask, "what pathway do I want to practice today?"

Your new pathway can happen.  Keep utilizing the tools of neuroplasticity.  The brain can change and adapt as it responds to experience, learning and activity on repeat.  You've got this!

*This article (and all enclosed blog articles) are for educational purposes and are not a substitute for individualized mental health care.  Anxiety can have many causes, and persistent, severe, or worsening symptoms should be discussed with a qualified healthcare or mental-health professional.

Anxiety: Let's Break It Down

The buzz is all around, whether you are talking amongst friends or perusing social media, and that buzz is about anxiety.  It encompasses the uncertainty, unease, panic, mood shift and much more of this not-so-desirable state of mind.  Questions race like, 'Will this ever stop?' or 'What can I do about this?' The greater the focus is centered around what negatives are not ending only increases the resultant stress.

Some of the normalcies of anxiety are the constant heart palpitations, racing thoughts and tightened stomach.  In your own mind, you may feel stifled imagining what could go wrong (never, or rarely what could go right).  The conversations you engage in become a replay station and you brace yourself for situations that may never occur.  To say it is exhausting would be an understatement.

Even though you logically know that everything is likely okay, it is still possible to feel that something is terribly wrong.  The reason for this is because anxiety is not only happening in your thoughts.  It is also a body and brain response as they are determining how to react to what they perceive as a threat.

Because it is the role of the brain to keep you safe, when danger is detected, a part of your brain called the amygdala responds.  It is there to detect and respond to threats.  This part can then signal and activate the body's stress response, which is pivotal when you are facing an actual danger.

Other times, this area of the brain misreads and enacts the alarm when there is no immediate physical threat.  Some examples would be a text that you were awaiting a response and it goes unanswered, or a challenging conversation, a difficult medical appointment, money struggles or a mistake made at work.  Any one of these aforementioned examples, plus many others, can engage that alarm.

Despite the immediate threat not physically presenting, even the thought of something going wrong can trigger that internal alarm.  And once that takes place, it is easy to fall into a familiar pattern of the trigger, then the anxious thought, the resultant body physical response and then the reaction.  This pattern runs on repeat each time the trigger is introduced.  And the more often that response becomes, the easier it may feel to travel down that same mental road.

But the good news is you are here and wanting to understand the root cause.  It does not have to be permanent.  In fact, today can be the first step towards change.

Let's start with some imagery of walking through a large field with tall grass.  That first time you cross it, there is no detectable trail.  You have to really push through the tall grass and intentionally choose where you are going.  Tomorrow (or the next time), that same route becomes just slightly easier and more familiar.  Eventually, the repeat pattern of walking this path allows it to become far more visible.

Maybe the path has become familiar for the wrong reasons.  It has, perhaps, become habit to overthink, worry and repeatedly consider the "what if's".  Instead of relief, it is replayed that the expectation is something will go wrong.

Just because a path is familiar does not mean it is the path you have to keep taking.  It will take intentionality, so the next time anxiety starts pulling you down that old trail, remove the focus of trying to eliminate the feeling.  Instead, simply try noticing the path.

For just a moment, take a pause and ask yourself where this thought is taking you.  Then, in that pause, determine if there is another way to respond.  This should be one small move of the solution dial.  You do not have to create an entirely new road pathway today.  You just have to take one alternate step.

The next time a stressor trigger enters, break it into a bite-sized piece.  You see, the meaningful change begins with something incredibly small.  Here are some ideas to get you started:

    -Investigate what you actually know by separating facts from the story your anxiety created.

    -Give yourself a break, or a permission to allow yourself ten minutes before you text, call, cancel, respond or make a decision.

    -Take in a full box breath circuit where you breathe in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for 4 and complete 4 rounds of this same exercise.  It creates a small space between your feeling and your response.

    -Do the next small thing instead of solving everything

    -Write your thoughts down that are causing anxiety and get them out of your brain and on paper.  For instance, seeing the words, "They're upset with me" on paper, can make it easier to do number one (mentioned above).  Then, ask yourself if you know that or are you assuming that?

A small step like these, or one you come up with, doesn't necessarily make the anxiety vanish.  It is however, something that teaches you that anxiety is not in control and doesn't have to make the decision.

*Please note that this article (and all articles in this blogspot) are for educational purposes and are not a substitute for individualized mental healthcare.  Persistent, or severe anxiety, can benefit from evaluation and treatment by a qualified healthcare, or mental health, professional.