Grief and That First Year of Loss

The first year after a loss is deserving of its own category and explanation because it is something that is wildly misunderstood.  It is often not recognized that one can become attached to more than just the loss of the loved one, but also to their absence.  In the many snippets where normalcy and routine are now replaced with emptiness and silences, eventually the organization of the emotional lives will revolve around what is no longer there.  It is sometimes referred to as the attachment to absence.

As humans, we are innately wired for attachment.  From the period of infancy up through adulthood, the brain develops emotional connections that assist us in experiencing belonging, security, predictability and love.  And when someone becomes a central part of our lives, our brains incorporate that loved one into our expectations of everyday living.

We anticipate their unique voice and recognize their footsteps.  We expect their reactions and instinctively think of telling them of our various life moments.  The inner expectation is to tell them when something wonderful occurs, or frustrating or humorous moments as well.  Then, when this loved one is gone, the brain cannot immediately erase all those expectations that have built over the years of the attachment.  Further, the brain may continue anticipating their presence even after the conscious realization of their death.  This can explain the impulse reaction to reach towards the phone to call that loved one, or envision them entering a familiar room or even forget (for just a moment) that they are no longer there.  The mind grasps the loss before the emotional attachment system fully adjusts to the loss.

The first year is that pivotal time period of discovering what is missing.  Its significance is particularly hitting because it forces the encounter with the reality of loss in new ways simply because the first year is filled with experiences.  To name a few, there is the first birthday without them, the first holiday, anniversary, wonderful or challenging moment without their presence to share it, the first family gathering with their seat empty.  While these hit emotionally, they are the ordinary moments.

There are also those moments that are uniquely painful because they disrupt our attempts at the establishment of a new sense of normalcy.  It can be as ordinary as walking into the supermarket and reaching for their favorite food, or seeing someone from behind that resembles them, or even hearing a song that takes you back in time.  That initial year is not just about surviving those first 365 days, but it is about discovering, on repeat, the multiple places where someone once existed in life.  And each discovery can bring a new pang of grief.

There is an important distinction between the memories of someone and the emotional anchor to their absence.  In remembering them, it allows us to maintain a wonderful connection to their life, love, memories and influence.  On the other hand, anchoring to their absence can occur when the pain of missing them begins to feel like the primary remaining connection to them.  

Consider this example: If I cease to feel the pain so much, does this mean that I am beginning to erase their memory and forget them?  This can create an emotional conflict of wanting the relief from the pain, yet that same relief can feel strangely threatening.  This is because that pain has become intertwined with love.

The grief itself may start to feel like the only evidence that the relationship actually mattered.  Sometimes a day in the life of someone trying to heal where they feel moments of enjoyment, laughter or a day without the doom of overwhelming sadness, makes them feel guilty.  It would not be far- fetched for them to return to the painful reminders because those reminders serve a purpose of temporary closeness.  It does not mean they consciously desire suffering.  Instead, it means their emotional system is working diligently to preserve a connection that has been profoundly disrupted.  It can be summarized as learning that love does not require continuous suffering in order to remain meaningful.

Grief is not only an emotional experience.  It also involves the brain's systems for memory, attachment, attention and emotional regulation.  Starting with the hippocampus, its job is to organize memories and contextual information like background, circumstances or environment surrounding an event, situation or even written text.  The amygdala is a part of this because of threat detection and the prefrontal cortex rounds it out with reflection, decision-making and emotional regulation.

After the death of a loved one, the brain recalls the individual as someone that belongs in our world, yet the new experiences repeatedly demonstrates that they are physically absent.  This mismatch battle can contribute to emotional distress, yearning and the persistent expectation of a reunion.

Neuroplasticity allows the brain to gradually develop new patterns of expectation, behavior and response, emotionally.  Yet, this is not akin to the erasing of that loved one.  Healing does not require the brain to forget.  Instead, it is about learning to carry the relationship in a new way.  Everyone's time table for this adjustment is unique to them.

The navigation of that first year can be done through the recognition that there is a difference between love and pain.  Thus, when that sadness arrives, it must be acknowledged, but without the attached assumption that its intensity is a measure of the depth of love.  The relationship between you and the loved one was meaningful prior to the loss, and it remains meaningful in all moments, including those moments when you are not grieving.

Honor the person and yourself by giving yourself permission to experience those firsts.  While those first holidays, birthdays or anniversaries can be challenging, it is not your job to recreate every tradition, and you also do not have to avoid every reminder.  Thoughtfully consider with traditions that you want to preserve, those you may want to change and the others you just do not have the emotional capacity to participate in this year.  Avoid giving it a permanent stamp.  This is where you are in this slice of life, and it can reshape and change in due time.

Create a connection with that loved one that is not dependent upon suffering.  Take your memories and journal them, prepare a meal that was loved, start a meaningful tradition, support a cause that was important to your loved one, plant a tree that can be a reminder, etc.  The variety of experiences can allow the relationship to remain part of your life, minus the requirement of pain to be the sole expression of that connection.

Your identity needs a chance to expand.  Because loss changes us, you may never return to the replica of the person you were prior to the loss of a loved one.  That does not mean your life has halted in its development.  Investigate within yourself what parts of you still needs attention, discovery, growth and care.  You need to give yourself permission to become someone new while continuing to cherish the person you were before the loss of this loved one.

Finally, absorb and recognize that there is no healing deadline.  The first anniversary of the death, and the year within that marker, does not mark grief's completion.  For some, it is the second year that can be more challenging as that initial support has lessened and the permanence of that loss becomes more apparent.  The story for others is that the first year can bring relief gradually.  Whatever one you find is true of you, this is not a comparison, and your timeline does not represent a failure.  Grief is not linear, and its progression is up to the individual.

The goal surrounding grief is to reach a day when their absence is viewed in a healthy way.  In discovering that their presence in your life can continue to mean something, allow suffering that once meant the proof of their meaningfulness, to eventually lessen.  While that first year may indicate how deeply that loved one is missed, those years that follow can show us just how deeply someone can still be loved.  Reaching that point can become one of grief's most beautiful transformations.

The slow shift is learning to move from an attachment to the pain of their absence, to the longstanding value of their presence in your life.  Finding that place is a prominent area to focus your heart.  Once this is reached, the healing and loving emotional embrace to their special place in your life, and the healed joy of your heart, moves toward the appreciation that their life was placed alongside yours for that precious time.

Studying the Male Anxiety Trap

Let me begin by asking a simple question, what if the very behaviors a male uses to protect himself from anxiety are the same behaviors that keep him trapped in it?  You see, for males, anxiety does not announce itself with the words like, "I'm afraid", or "I'm feeling overwhelmed".  Instead, it may disguise itself as irritability, excessive work, impatience, emotional distancing or even an overwhelming need to stay in control.

A man can be successful in his career, dependable in his responsibilities, respected by his colleagues, and deeply committed to his family, yet in his own private world, he experiences an internal battle that he cannot quite put into words.  In fact, he may not even recognize it as anxiety.  This is where we find the trap.

There is a pressure that is built up from childhood to be strong.  That underlying expectation of strength can become a burden.  It starts from those messages of stop showing weakness, be tough, don't cry, handle your problems and finally, protect others.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with having strength, courage, independence and responsibility, it can lead a man to believe that being strong is in fact refraining from all vulnerabilities.  These admirable qualities of strength and independence can create conflict between what he is genuinely feeling and what he believes he is permitted to express.

In the brain, there is a constant evaluation for potential threats.  Some of those threats are not physical.  They can include the fear of failure, embarrassment, rejection, inadequacy or disappointing someone.  And when a man's identity is too closely connected with always being capable, the presentation of an ordinary setback can feel as though it is a threat to his value and sense of worth.  He may start to measure himself by the metrics of his successful performances instead of who he is.

This chain of events can often look like anger (with anxiety hiding behind it).  Anxiety is often associated with excessive worrying, nervousness or fear.  However, anxiety can also contribute to defensiveness, frustration and irritability.  To understand this, let's look at the internal workings of the brain.

Starting with the amygdala, it participates in detecting emotionally significant information, like threats.  As a situation feels threatening, both the brain and the body can activate a stress response.  Things like a quickened heart rate, tightened muscles, narrowed attention show that the body is preparing to respond.

The prefrontal cortex is the logic center and supports the evaluation of situations.  It regulates emotional reactions and allows the consideration of consequences.  With heightened stress, these regulatory processes can become less effective.

A man that is already carrying a significant amount of pressure may react rather sharply to a relatively minor infraction or frustration.  It is not necessarily because that situation is particularly serious, but rather because his stress system is already alarmed and highly activated.  The anger is visible while his underlying fear remains hidden.

Many factors could cause this, such as the fear he has of losing control, disappointing his spouse, failing financially or being viewed as inadequate.  Anger is not always the result of anxiety (and of course, anxiety never excuses harmful behavior).  The recognition of what lies beneath that emotional reaction can create the opportunity for change.

For some men, accomplishment is the determinant of their worth and it becomes more than a goal.  The role of providing for the family, advancing in the professional realm, solving problems and maintaining financial security can often become tied closely to their identity.

Herein lies the problem: when achievement is no longer the man's pursuit, but rather something he believes he must continually demonstrate in order to be considered acceptable.  There is an understanding among psychologists that perfectionism, fear of negative evaluation and harsh and rigid personal expectations can contribute to anxiety.

The conditioned beliefs can operate through conditional beliefs like 'If I make a mistake, I am inadequate' or 'If I succeed, I am valuable' or 'If I fail to solve this problem, I am failing'.  The amygdala, or threat detection center, can learn to associate uncertainty with danger, despite no immediate physical threats existing.

In response to this dilemma, a man may work harder, go to excessive lengths to plan or attempt to take control of every outcome in order to relieve that discomfort.  Although these aforementioned behaviors may temporarily lower their anxiety, they can also reinforce the belief that any uncertainty must be eliminated.  The outcome?  A man that accomplishes more but enjoyment is lower.

This can bring on the cycle of silence where the avoidance actually keeps that anxiety alive.  It is a deception, but the idea is that those strategies designed to escape anxiety can sometimes strengthen its hold.

Let's take an example of a man who is troubled by a recent, difficult conversation with his wife.  He anticipates conflict and his body tenses while his thoughts race.  Instead of addressing the issue, he withdraws and immediately feels that relief.  The brain recognizes and registers that relief and thus, makes avoidance more appealing the next time a similar situation arises.

This is referred to as negative reinforcement.  It is the removal of an uncomfortable experience which increases the likelihood of repeating that same behavior which produced the relief.

As time progresses, the man may become increasingly uncomfortable with challenging conversations, emotional vulnerability or those situations he cannot control.  He is not necessarily choosing to remain in a state of anxiousness.  Instead, he may simply be repeating that strategy that came in handy and previously allowed him to feel safe.

What initially felt like protection will gradually become confinement.  Those difficult conversations remain in a state of unresolve.  There is an increase in emotional distancing and the anxiety finds itself back again.

Despite this chain of events, there is hope.  The encouraging reality is that amazing brain is capable of change.  It is called neuroplasticity.  It is the ability of the nervous system to adapt through experience and learning.  Those established patterns of thinking and responding that have developed over the years are not necessarily permanent.

At the time that the man starts recognizing his emotional reactions, questioning those rigid beliefs, practicing emotional regulation and gradually facing those situations he once avoided, he establishes opportunities for new learning.  Instead of that quick reaction with anger, he can practice identifying what he is feeling.  Instead of avoiding that difficult conversation, he can thoughtfully approach it.  And instead of measuring his value solely through achievement, he can start recognizing value that extends beyond performance.

While these changes might appear minimal, it is through the repeated experiences that weakening those unhelpful learned responses fall away and healthier pathways are strengthened.  Breaking the trap is not defined as a man who never experiences anxiety.  Instead, it means becoming a man who no longer allows anxiety to determine every response.

DISCLAIMER:  This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, mental health diagnosis, or clinical treatment.  The information provided is not a substitute for evaluation or treatment by a licensed healthcare or mental health professional.  Agape Counseling Online provides faith-based, nonclinical pastoral counseling and does not represent itself as a licensed clinical mental health provider.  Individuals experiencing persistent or severe emotional or psychological distress are encouraged to seek appropriate professional care.  Reading this article does not establish a counselor-client relationship.

Studying the Female Anxiety Trap

It is no surprise that the teenage years can hold a great amount of stress and heaviness.  Starting with a candid look at the teenage girl, much of her stress can come from the constant reminder that she is being evaluated in everything: her appearance, clothing style, relationship potentials, grades, friendships, future, and even things like whether or not she was invited to a get together or whether someone posted about her in a negative way.

Whether a parent, fellow friend, or others can understand, what may seem insignificant to the rest of the world, it can feel enormous to the teenager that is being judged.  And that is when anxiety enters her mind.  It may start with something minimal such as entertaining a "What if...?" thought.  Questions like, 'What if others don't accept me?' or 'What if I embarrass myself?' and many other creations that become looped in the mind as a ruminating thought.

Before long, those questions have turned into the creation of ten additional "What if?" questions.  The litany of questions and anxiety may feel like the enemy, but it is the job of the Amygdala, in the brain, to step up and be the watchtower looking out for potential dangers.  

When the alarm is activated several results take place from that signal.  The stomach often tenses, heart races, the chest may feel tighter and your thoughts go off-leash and start producing a barrage of negative thoughts.  The brain is trying to warn that something may be wrong so take note and be aware.

Those thoughts that accompany actual dangers need this alarm system.  The difficulty is that there are system malfunctions where the alarm activation results from the possibility as though it was definite and not potential.

A thought like, "What if I was stood up?" can turn into "I was stood up."  The first statement is a fear and the second is a conclusion.  It is essential that the variance of those two are well understood as that application in real time can be powerful.

Going back to that initial fear and assessing it differently can be a great start.  Ask what is actually known because in the space of texting a friend, for example, an hour passing with no response, anxiety will fill in that empty space with assumptions like the friend is mad at you.  Something was said that she took negatively.  She is ignoring me and probably everyone is together having a great time without you.  But, in this space of time, instead of using it to go into the worst case scenario, consider instead what is actually known.

The world tends to call those who look at the positive as being too optimistic, but what if everything else is forming a current storyline created in your mind in order to explain what is not known?  What if the person is sleeping, or working, forgot, her phone's battery is dead?  Possibly something truly is bothering this friend, but the reality is, this is not certain information.  

Begin by asking what the facts are and what is being added to the facts.  This one simple question can interrupt an enormous amount of anxiety.  While the feelings being felt are real, they lack the ability to be foolproof and are often predictions.

If you feel that you have been rejected, that feeling is indeed real.  That does not necessarily mean that you have been rejected.

If you feel embarrassed, that does not mean that everyone is focusing on your mistake.

If you feel as though you cannot handle something, that does not mean you are not capable of handling it.

While a feeling deserves a moment to be acknowledged, it does not deserve the right to navigate and make the decision.  

Sometimes the tendency to compare your life to others is a dangerous action.  The possibility exists that you might be comparing your actual life with the presentation of someone else's life.  For instance, you see the social media posting of a picture.  You do not see the aggravation that happened before that picture.  You see the beautiful picture of the vacation, but you do not see the loneliness.  You see that selfie and think wow!  You do not see the umpteen different pictures that did not make the cut.  You see the accomplishment but not the fear that she would not make it or the times she gave up or wanted to quit.

Take the brief pause and step back ensuring you are in the right mind space first before checking the possible storyline and determine what is known.  Look beyond the presentation and give the right information.  Put your phone down and break away from the temptations to compare and allow imagination full reign over your thoughts.  Give yourself that break and permit the disconnect with the chaos.  Take a walk outside and capture what you see, feel, hear and can touch to reorient yourself.

Anxiety gains strength when everything stays locked up inside your head.  Find a reputable person to talk to such as a mentor, parent, trusted adult, counselor.  And when anxiety's alarm bells go off, pause and breathe.  Feel your lungs expanding, hold it there and release it slowly.  Then ask yourself what actually happened?  What am I fearing might happen?  What part of this is within my control?  What part do I need to let go?  What is one solid healthy thing that I can do next?

Your future is forming a little at a time.  You can take it one step at a time and sometimes moment by moment.  The courage to address this and take the steps is one step in the right direction.  Keep pressing forward.  You've got this!

Closing the Gap on Neuroplasticity

Take a pause and imagine walking through a field of tall grass.  Let's correlate it to navigating through anxiety and racing thoughts.  From that first initial time of walking across that field, it is going to be more challenging.  After all, you are pushing grass aside carefully and choosing where you step and also assessing your directionality with focus and intention.

But then you walk this same path again and again, and while this process happens on repeat, you realize, eventually, that something happens.  That same challenging grass begins to lie down.  The view that was once covered in tall grass has now become much easier to see.  And before long, you do not have to spend much time thinking about where you are going.  It all comes down to the formation of a newly created path. 

That image was used to represent anxiety and how various thoughts and responses can become so familiar that we find ourselves traveling down the same mental path.  Each path is akin to a neural "path" in the brain.  We will have our default "paths" that get traveled first, and we tend to choose that "path" on autopilot, without thinking.

Here's the neat part: there is actually a reason your brain is capable of developing familiar patterns.  Additionally, there is also a reason those patterns can change.  You do not have to stay stuck in the same cycle.

How is this possible? It is a process called Neuroplasticity.  It entails your brain's ability to change and adapt in response to experience, learning and repeated activity.

The brain is a phenomenal party of your body.  Unlike some other areas, it does not become permanently fixed once you reach adulthood.  Instead, throughout your life, the brain can continue changing how its network functions and connects.  For instance, when we acquire a new skill, practice a skill, develop a habit or respond to situations with repeated activity, we are utilizing that ever-changing brain. 

One way to explain this is is with learning to drive.  In those early days of learning, you likely thought about everything with a mental checklist: check the mirror, foot is on the brake, put car in drive, check the rearview mirror, slowly start moving, watch your speed, stay in the lane and so forth.  It required enormous concentration.

Today, you may drive several miles before realizing you are barely, consciously thinking about any of those individual actions.  What changed?  The task of driving (which initially felt overwhelming) became secondary through repetition and learning.  What we practice repeatedly can become easier for our brains to do.

Let's turn the page to consider the process when anxiety happens.  Almost immediately you think something bad is going to happen.  Your body reacts by your heart beating faster, you start imagining possibilities, you seek reassurance, possibly you avoid the situation and eventually, the anxiety subsides.  But then, you undergo another stressful situation moments later, and that same pattern repeats.  That pathway becomes very familiar.

When this happens, your first small step is to simply notice it.  Tell yourself, 'I'm starting down that path again'.  Now, you pause, going a different direction that habit suggests. [09/28/26 Blog, I suggest investigating what's real?] Is this something happening or something that I am predicting?

Creating change is not about preventing yourself from stepping onto the old path once again.  Rather, it is about continuing to practice the new path.  This becomes important because sometimes discouragement sets in when an anxious thought return.  The individual experiencing the anxiety might feel as though nothing has changed.

The pace at which you travel down these new mental pathways can also take time.  Perhaps today's new pathway is to simply stay five minutes longer, instead of your normal pursuit of immediately reacting.  Try a even a ten second pause, nothing dramatic, but just a few small steps through that tall metaphorical grass.

Your brain is still learning.  It has an established past experiences and practiced pathways.  Those pathways do not have to necessarily offer the final word.  In fact, it is learning.  Allow your brain the opportunity to learn from what you repeatedly experience and practice.

Give yourself grace even when that old path becomes visible.  The change is not simple and transformative overnight.  Instead, when you recognize yourself heading toward that old familiar trail, pause intentionally and with enough time to ask, "what pathway do I want to practice today?"

Your new pathway can happen.  Keep utilizing the tools of neuroplasticity.  The brain can change and adapt as it responds to experience, learning and activity on repeat.  You've got this!

*This article (and all enclosed blog articles) are for educational purposes and are not a substitute for individualized mental health care.  Anxiety can have many causes, and persistent, severe, or worsening symptoms should be discussed with a qualified healthcare or mental-health professional.