Studying the Male Anxiety Trap

Let me begin by asking a simple question, what if the very behaviors a male uses to protect himself from anxiety are the same behaviors that keep him trapped in it?  You see, for males, anxiety does not announce itself with the words like, "I'm afraid", or "I'm feeling overwhelmed".  Instead, it may disguise itself as irritability, excessive work, impatience, emotional distancing or even an overwhelming need to stay in control.

A man can be successful in his career, dependable in his responsibilities, respected by his colleagues, and deeply committed to his family, yet in his own private world, he experiences an internal battle that he cannot quite put into words.  In fact, he may not even recognize it as anxiety.  This is where we find the trap.

There is a pressure that is built up from childhood to be strong.  That underlying expectation of strength can become a burden.  It starts from those messages of stop showing weakness, be tough, don't cry, handle your problems and finally, protect others.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with having strength, courage, independence and responsibility, it can lead a man to believe that being strong is in fact refraining from all vulnerabilities.  These admirable qualities of strength and independence can create conflict between what he is genuinely feeling and what he believes he is permitted to express.

In the brain, there is a constant evaluation for potential threats.  Some of those threats are not physical.  They can include the fear of failure, embarrassment, rejection, inadequacy or disappointing someone.  And when a man's identity is too closely connected with always being capable, the presentation of an ordinary setback can feel as though it is a threat to his value and sense of worth.  He may start to measure himself by the metrics of his successful performances instead of who he is.

This chain of events can often look like anger (with anxiety hiding behind it).  Anxiety is often associated with excessive worrying, nervousness or fear.  However, anxiety can also contribute to defensiveness, frustration and irritability.  To understand this, let's look at the internal workings of the brain.

Starting with the amygdala, it participates in detecting emotionally significant information, like threats.  As a situation feels threatening, both the brain and the body can activate a stress response.  Things like a quickened heart rate, tightened muscles, narrowed attention show that the body is preparing to respond.

The prefrontal cortex is the logic center and supports the evaluation of situations.  It regulates emotional reactions and allows the consideration of consequences.  With heightened stress, these regulatory processes can become less effective.

A man that is already carrying a significant amount of pressure may react rather sharply to a relatively minor infraction or frustration.  It is not necessarily because that situation is particularly serious, but rather because his stress system is already alarmed and highly activated.  The anger is visible while his underlying fear remains hidden.

Many factors could cause this, such as the fear he has of losing control, disappointing his spouse, failing financially or being viewed as inadequate.  Anger is not always the result of anxiety (and of course, anxiety never excuses harmful behavior).  The recognition of what lies beneath that emotional reaction can create the opportunity for change.

For some men, accomplishment is the determinant of their worth and it becomes more than a goal.  The role of providing for the family, advancing in the professional realm, solving problems and maintaining financial security can often become tied closely to their identity.

Herein lies the problem: when achievement is no longer the man's pursuit, but rather something he believes he must continually demonstrate in order to be considered acceptable.  There is an understanding among psychologists that perfectionism, fear of negative evaluation and harsh and rigid personal expectations can contribute to anxiety.

The conditioned beliefs can operate through conditional beliefs like 'If I make a mistake, I am inadequate' or 'If I succeed, I am valuable' or 'If I fail to solve this problem, I am failing'.  The amygdala, or threat detection center, can learn to associate uncertainty with danger, despite no immediate physical threats existing.

In response to this dilemma, a man may work harder, go to excessive lengths to plan or attempt to take control of every outcome in order to relieve that discomfort.  Although these aforementioned behaviors may temporarily lower their anxiety, they can also reinforce the belief that any uncertainty must be eliminated.  The outcome?  A man that accomplishes more but enjoyment is lower.

This can bring on the cycle of silence where the avoidance actually keeps that anxiety alive.  It is a deception, but the idea is that those strategies designed to escape anxiety can sometimes strengthen its hold.

Let's take an example of a man who is troubled by a recent, difficult conversation with his wife.  He anticipates conflict and his body tenses while his thoughts race.  Instead of addressing the issue, he withdraws and immediately feels that relief.  The brain recognizes and registers that relief and thus, makes avoidance more appealing the next time a similar situation arises.

This is referred to as negative reinforcement.  It is the removal of an uncomfortable experience which increases the likelihood of repeating that same behavior which produced the relief.

As time progresses, the man may become increasingly uncomfortable with challenging conversations, emotional vulnerability or those situations he cannot control.  He is not necessarily choosing to remain in a state of anxiousness.  Instead, he may simply be repeating that strategy that came in handy and previously allowed him to feel safe.

What initially felt like protection will gradually become confinement.  Those difficult conversations remain in a state of unresolve.  There is an increase in emotional distancing and the anxiety finds itself back again.

Despite this chain of events, there is hope.  The encouraging reality is that amazing brain is capable of change.  It is called neuroplasticity.  It is the ability of the nervous system to adapt through experience and learning.  Those established patterns of thinking and responding that have developed over the years are not necessarily permanent.

At the time that the man starts recognizing his emotional reactions, questioning those rigid beliefs, practicing emotional regulation and gradually facing those situations he once avoided, he establishes opportunities for new learning.  Instead of that quick reaction with anger, he can practice identifying what he is feeling.  Instead of avoiding that difficult conversation, he can thoughtfully approach it.  And instead of measuring his value solely through achievement, he can start recognizing value that extends beyond performance.

While these changes might appear minimal, it is through the repeated experiences that weakening those unhelpful learned responses fall away and healthier pathways are strengthened.  Breaking the trap is not defined as a man who never experiences anxiety.  Instead, it means becoming a man who no longer allows anxiety to determine every response.

DISCLAIMER:  This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, mental health diagnosis, or clinical treatment.  The information provided is not a substitute for evaluation or treatment by a licensed healthcare or mental health professional.  Agape Counseling Online provides faith-based, nonclinical pastoral counseling and does not represent itself as a licensed clinical mental health provider.  Individuals experiencing persistent or severe emotional or psychological distress are encouraged to seek appropriate professional care.  Reading this article does not establish a counselor-client relationship.